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Posted: Fri Jan 26th, 2007 02:41 am |
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Last night I was watching an old episode of Sex and the City, ('Don't Ask, Don't Tell') where Carrie ponders the validity of the age-old expression, 'Honesty is the best policy,' when it comes to dating and relationships. Carrie is trying to decide whether or not to tell her current boyfriend that she has been sneaking around with her ex. The other women on the show are also dealing with honesty issues.
This got me thinking about trust and honesty and respect and how they all interact and tie together when it comes to matters of the heart. It's definitely tricky business. In grade school, we were taught that lying is naughty, but we were also told 'If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.' When is it best to tell the truth? Are there ever circumstances where lying is the better choice for both parties involved?
One thing that everyone close to me knows is that I can't stand liars or thieves, especially those individuals who lie to or steal from the people that are supposed to be closest to them. My blood is starting to boil just thinking about it.
However, my next statement is probably going to make me sound like a walking contradiction. I think all successful relationships are held together by a complicated web of little, white lies. Yes, I said it!
Confused? Don't be. I'm not talking about the major issues like infidelity or financial dishonesty. I'm referring to the smaller situations that keep life and love running smoothly on an even keel (Has anyone seen The Departed yet?). There is a big difference between being honest and being mean or rude.
There is a sports radio host in my area (Howard Eskin) who is brutally honest with his listeners, to the point where he often refers to their opinions as moronic or idiotic. While I respect him for his ability to tell the truth no matter what the consequence, I wouldn't dream of dating him (or someone like him). It's not that I would want to be with someone who only tells me exactly what I want to hear all of the time, but there are certain things that are better left unsaid.
In addition, there are ways to be honest without being hurtful. For example, if your wife or girlfriend asks you if she looks fat in a dress, what purpose would it serve to say yes (even if you do think makes her look a little pudgy)? Instead of answering, 'Yes, that dress makes you look fat,' you could say, 'It looks nice, but I prefer the blue dress because it really brings out your eyes.'
This sugarcoating strategy is the best way to go, because in the end, you don't want a small lie to come back to haunt you. For instance, if your mate spends hours in the kitchen preparing a home-cooked meal that you can barely choke down without gagging, it would be cruel to just come out and say you hate it. But at the same time, you don't want to give your mate the impression that you love it, or else you may get stuck eating it several times a week for the rest of your life. So, to save his or her feelings and your taste buds, you could say that you appreciate all of the hard work that went into making the meal, but you're not a big fan of that combination of food.
For the big issues that arise in relationships, it is best to stick to the truth and nothing but the truth. But, for the small situations where the truth would only serve to cause pain or humiliation, go for the gloss!
What do you think? Email your opinions and stories to chelscorner@comcast.net.
Reader Comments:
"Honesty is definitely the best policy. Even if you're lying and 'getting away with it,' you'll eventually start to worry that your significant other is doing the same thing. Losing trust is the quickest way to sink a relationship."
--Gamal H.
"Honesty is the best policy, but there's a time to be blunt and a time to sugarcoat."
--Ron M.
"No. There are simply things that you should not tell your wife/girlfriend. However, this totally changes when asked a direct question that can be found out elsewhere. For example, if your girl asks if you dated so and so and there is even the remote possibility that she could find out for sure via other means, then you must tell the truth.
If you hit the strip joint after the game with one of your buddies who tells his wife everything, then you have to tell the truth because she may find out regardless. There is no reason to say you went to see the strippers if she simply asks how the game was.
Bottom line -- if it's a big deal to her and you may get caught in the lie, then you spill the beans. However, if there is no way you are going to get caught lying, then, in order to keep the peace, there is no reason to tell the truth regarding something that may endanger the relationship.
This is especially the case if it is something that happened in past relationships -- if it does not and cannot impact the current relationship, not telling the truth is an obligation. The past is the past."
--D.C.
"I'd say no, if there are things, situations that you were involved in and are not particularly proud of or you know that this information would hurt somebody I'd say no.
Everyone has a past and that is where it needs to stay."
--Diane C.
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