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Posted: Fri Jan 26th, 2007 02:39 am |
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My question concerns the appropriateness of asking for the return of expensive gifts after a breakup. About a year prior to breaking up with my girlfriend, I bought her some expensive camera equipment (over $1,600). We were not engaged. Essentially, she never gave me any gifts of value. Because of the way in which the relationship ended, I am considering asking for the return of the items. Going back to the common law times of dowry, there is a tradition that expensive gifts should be returned. For example, people return engagement rings.
Sincerely,
J.A.
Dear J.A.,
Although I can understand your frustration about spending a large sum of money on a person that you are no longer dating, it is inappropriate for you to ask your ex-girlfriend to return the camera equipment. A gift is a gift.
Having said that, there are two situations where I think it might be appropriate to ask for the gift back. If she broke up with you very soon (within weeks) after she received the camera equipment and it is obvious that she was merely using you to buy this equipment for her, then you shouldn't feel too bad asking for it back. However, if you gave her this equipment months or years ago and are simply bitter about the breakup and looking for vengeance, it would be extremely tacky and classless to ask for it back.
The second situation would be if the equipment was given as a loan or bought for use on a joint venture, it would be appropriate to ask for it back or to ask her to compensate you for the value of the equipment.
I know that many people even feel that an engagement ring is simply a gift and should always be kept by the recipient. But I think that an engagement ring falls into a completely different category than other gifts. Gifts are usually (and should be) given out of the kindness of one's heart and do not come with strings attached. Merriam-Webster OnLine defines a gift as 'something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation.' An engagement ring, however, is a symbol of a commitment that is being made between two people. If one or both of the two people decide to break that contract then the ring should be returned since it was given based on the condition that a marriage would result. Many battles are fought in courts across the country over this very issue and rulings are made on a case by case basis so it's not something that is cut and dried.
It seems that you are upset by the fact that you feel you wasted money on a person that turned out (in your mind) not to be worth it. The fact that you say she never bought you anything of value during your relationship makes me think that this isn't really about the cost of the gift but about the principle of fairness. Do you really need that camera equipment or the money you will get from selling it--or are you just looking for a way to make her pay because you still resent the way the relationship turned out? I suggest that you let it go and forget about her and the gift. Leave it where it belongs--in the past. If you do decide to ask for it back, keep in mind that she doesn't have to give it back to you if she doesn't want. Since you have stated that it was a gift, she is not obligated to return it.
I also polled 30 people (15 men and 15 women) to get a sampling of opinions on your question. Of the women, two said there may be circumstances where asking for the return of an expensive gift would be appropriate while the remaining 13 said absolutely not. The men were more split on the issue. Seven of the male respondents said that in some situations it would be all right to ask for the gift back, while eight said never.
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